The 1997 film Anaconda is a fun, good old-fashioned animals attack movie. I'm not saying that it's some amazing underappreciated classic, but more of something that was just trying to be entertaining. The CG is very '90s, but honestly, it's charming in a way that modern bad CG can't replicate.
So, when I heard that it was getting a remake, I wasn't surprised. Everything is. Although after it was announced, it turns out that it's not a remake, but some sort of weird meta sequel. Kind of like, of all things, Human Centipede 2, where they treat the first movie like it was a movie, and the sequel is real, and it's about a person obsessed with the movie who then wants to replicate it.
In the new Anaconda, two friends love the 1997 film and want to make their own pseudo remake sequel, Thingamabob. On paper, not a terrible idea. In execution, terrible.
Before I go any further, I want to say that this review is going to have some spoilers. I usually avoid them, but for this, I don't think I can properly talk about the movie without mentioning a few things. So, if you don't want to be spoiled, turn it off now.
Okay. If you've been following me for a while, you know that there are two things that I don't like. Steal my sunshine and Jack Black. There are a few exceptions where Black is tolerable, like Jumanji, Welcome to the Jungle, and that's because he's not playing Jack Black like he does in nearly every other movie. Oh, look at me. I'M CRAZY EYEBROW GUY. WHOA, AREN'T I CRAZY? He stinks and he's not funny. This isn't a new thing. I never really liked him. That said, he was somewhat tolerable here. Not as annoying as usual, but still irritating at times.
The movie is about some childhood friends, both of which are having a midlife crisis. When they were young, they wanted to be filmmakers, but now that they're older, they are more or less stuck doing jobs they don't like, which, yes, is something that a lot of people can identify with. That all changes when one of them gets the opportunity of a lifetime and acquires the rights to the Anaconda franchise.
So, they gather as much money as they can, which is very little, and head out to Brazil to shoot their indie remake right near where the original was shot. While there, they encounter criminals as well as a real giant anaconda.
This movie was not good. This is another modern comedy that seems to have forgotten that whole comedy part. There were moments in this that were, I wouldn't say, funny so much as, oh, the movie once made a laugh here. They even paused a few times to make sure to drive it home. See, here's the part where you should laugh. It's not funny. Not even a little.
The only thing that made me smile at all was late in the film when Ice Cube showed up. It was like when he appeared at the end of Triple X 3. Humorous. 'Is snakes out there this big?'
The cast beyond Jack Black was okay. I usually like Paul Rudd, but here he was kind of a dope. His character was an unlikable dope. Tanny Newton was okay. And I'm kind of indifferent on Steve Z. I don't really like him or dislike him. He's just kind of there.
The movie tried to pull the old nostalgia bait trick by putting in a wide variety of Memberberry songs in the soundtrack. The stupid I don't want to wait Dawson's Creek song was played for laughs early on, and I knew it was going to come back later for laughs, which it did, and I did not laugh.
There was a moment when I thought the movie actually took a big gamble, and that was when the snake ate Jack Black. I thought to myself, 'Wow, okay. I'm still not enjoying this movie, but good on them for taking a huge risk. Killing your star in the film. What is this executive decision?' Turned out it was all nonsense because he was alive and they played his return for laughs of which there were none.
Oh, I knew it was you who put the squirrel in my mouth. The movie had a big theme about how movies are supposed to mean something. So, they gave each of the leads a backstory that was repeated ad nauseam, which was supposed to be a joke about how most big-budgeted movies try and fail at having character development. This could have been a good gag, but they should have gone way over the top silly with it. Instead, they played it too close to the vest and it came off as lame instead of funny.
They were trying to make fun of Hollywood tropes, but instead it was more like they were embracing them.
The movie had some mediocre pacing. Some parts went by too fast and others were too slow. I really didn't care who lived and who died. That didn't really matter because the main cast all lived and only the side characters died. Whoop-de-doo.
I will give credit that the snake looked pretty decent. There was a mix of practical and CG like the original. They didn't do as many big crazy moments like in the original when the snake grabbed the guy jumping off a waterfall, which was a missed opportunity. They should have thrown in some more of the over-the-top crazy snake moments. But no, let's have more of that indie Bigfoot movie made by children who somehow were able to digitally composite an explosion in a shot on video home movie from the '90s.
Anaconda was about what I expected. Boring, unfunny trash. If they would have embraced the absurdity, it could have worked, but they played the whole thing pretty straight. There was an interesting bit about them stumbling onto the real Anaconda remake, but overall that was just kind of squandered.
The only credit I'll give it was that it was at least a decent attempt to do a remake that wasn't just a remake. Everything else stunk. Comedy should be funny and not annoying. Just stick to the original. Not only will you get more enjoyment, but with John Voit chewing every scene, you'll get some laughs, too.
